Forbidden Knowledge? Those words excited and wondered me since I can remember... My father was a conspiracy theorist and my mother tried to get me to church as much as she could mainly with a friends family sometimes. I was a seeker searching for the hidden answers both in church as well as watching and reading about UFO's, alien abductions, and secrets of our world.
Around 12 years old a doctor actually prescribed me "meditation" as a way to help with anxiety and stress I was having. I was just nervous about normal early teens stuff like girls and playing well in sports games. A little while after practicing light meditation, I learned about Astral Projection and was determined to accomplish this feat.
I will admit that I had some crazy and intense experiences in my endeavors, although I never "flew around the sky and visited the moon and mars" like other astral projectors claimed to.
This began my quest to learn more and more and to secretly unlock the power of my being using almost any means necessary that I could justify. I took what I had learned through church and made it work in my mind that I was doing nothing wrong. I thought the church was 101 and what I was learning and doing was the advanced work of God. I was so wrong...
I continued my pursuits, dabbling in anything from spells to ouiji boards, astrology and numerology. I combined this with reading the bible and praying. I had amazing loving experiences on the side of The Lord, and had paranormal experiences on the other side.
I did not feel very conflicted however... I had developed a connection to my higher self or a universal knowledge and power as I saw it through my meditation. The voice through this connection was a master at rationalizing and justifying my quest for "spiritual enlightenment" and gave me what I needed to create some false hybrid form of Christianity and the Occult...
Over a decade passed this way... I had created more questions than answers. I began to feel spiritually superior to other people. I felt alone, grew more depressed and lost my passions. During this time an important aspect of my childhood - prayer - had been transformed into something else. I was using techniques I had learned and basically modified to fit my level of discernment, in essence whenever I would "pray" I was actually performing a spell. I even remember telling someone "How is a prayer any different from a spell?" The simple answer that I now know is: a prayer is to God and anything else is to the Devil.
I realized this one night when I had broken down and was ready to cry out for mercy. I was not doing the spell prayer I had been doing for years because I was not trying to will anything into existence but was asking for help, and was searching for a loving feeling in my heart that I remembered receiving through prayer many times years ago. I was broken, I prayed hard, I prayed with the most Christian technique that I could which meant using an important part I had been leaving out: Jesus Christ. It worked.
The prayer lit a spark in my heart, I felt the familiar touch of the Holy Spirit, it felt like such a relief! At the same time I felt that familiar grace around me, and I was asking for the Holy Spirit to fill my heart I was told that I do not have enough room in my heart...
Indeed, my hybrid religion had become nearly one-sided. I had spent years unknowingly being influenced to create a false version of God and a false idea of Jesus - even questioning if he actually lived.
I could not see the darkness in my heart until the Holy Spirit shined upon it that night...
At that very moment I knew something was wrong with me spiritually, I had a calming conviction that there was not enough room in my heart for the true Holy Spirit to enter completely. It was only calming because I finally knew the answer to my problem, and luckily I was aware that there was a solution already. Praise God that I knew what to do next from my past experience in church...
The next day was a Wednesday, and I googled "Wednesday church service Dallas". I found a church called Freedom Life Church which seemed like a casual place I could go and do what I felt I needed to do without being bombarded. I was correct, I went alone, dressed in jeans, found a comfortable chair in the coffee lounge in the front where I waited peacefully for the doors to the chapel to open, with just a couple pats on the back and a "Hello Brother" from other men. During this time waiting I was pretty anxious, and not sure how things were going to go but I was on a mission to listen to the Holy Spirit that spoke to me the night before and told me to make more room in my heart.
The doors opened, I found my place towards the front in the middle (I meant business), within moments a really cool band (worship team) started playing up front. I didn't know the songs but the words were on the screen. I sang along quietly for the first song as well as prayed to the Holy Spirit that I was here now, and I wanted more room in my heart. On the second song I began to let go a little bit and sing loud enough somebody could actually hear me if they put their ear to my mouth, I continued to pray. When we sang about Jesus, I thanked him for dying for our sins so that they could be forgiven, I asked for my own forgiveness and to know Him. By the third or fourth worship song my hands were in the air with tears streaming down my face and I was saved! I cannot begin to explain the feeling! The power was amazing, I felt like the empire state building had been taken off my chest and I was shot with a million doses of hope. Because of the Holy Spirit that had entered my newly open heart, because it now had room there, because of the salvation of the blood of Christ who is the Lamb, the only way that my sins could be forgiven was by accepting Christ as my savior!
Since then I have continued to learn about the true God of the Bible and Jesus Christ. I have accepted that I am not meant to know every secret of the universe. There are no answers in those secrets only more questions. There is only One Truth, One God, and One Way which is through Jesus. If you are meditating or praying to any spirit other than the Holy Spirit of God, you are working with the Devil, he is great at disguise.
Thank you for reading, and may the Lord bless you!
see also Limits of esotericism and spiritualism in wellness, psychotherapy and alternative medicine